Starting the Conversation
When you break your leg, the affliction is obvious to anyone who looks at you. With mental illness, it is hidden in the shadows of our mind, often invisible to those who look at us. It is only when we share, when we start the conversation, that others can know that we might be struggling. However, starting the conversation is far from easy. We know. Yet Mental Health Awareness Month is the perfect time to start a conversation about your mental health challenges and we have some tips.
First off, know that you have the power. Even if someone else brings it up first, it is your life, your mental health, and you have the ability to choose who you talk to about this and when. I’ve talked to people in peer support sessions who’ve never talked to anyone else about there demons, and that is okay.
Next, remember that it isn’t your responsibility to make the other person understand, nor is their reaction a reflection on you. It takes courage to talk about this stuff, and their reaction doesn’t change that. Hopefully, they will respond positively. After all, the people in your life are usually there for a reason. When I was first starting to talk about my mental health. Most people were supportive, even if they did not understand. I believe that if and when you choose to talk to the people in your life, you will find the same thing.
And if you are a family member or friend, don’t feel that you can’t ask. Some of the best ways to do this gently are “Are you okay,” or “I’ve noticed that…if you want to talk about it I am here.” If you ask someone how they are and they respond with the automatic, “I’m fine, “ or “I’m good,” don’t be afraid to ask, “how are you really?” All that said, remember that it is their right to choose if they want to talk about it. Asking the question lets them know you are a safe person to talk to, a person who cares about them. However, if they aren’t ready then respect that. It can be traumatic to be pestered about opening up before you are ready.
The one exception to respecting their privacy might be if you have a genuine concern that they are going to harm themselves or someone else. Know that it is okay to directly ask, “are you thinking about suicide.” Too many people think that that question will put the idea in their head, but the truth is if they are suicidal, the idea is already there. Understanding suicide is extremely difficult, but in my experience no one has ever become suicidal because they were asked that question. If you believe someone might be thinking about harming themselves or someone else, stay with them and call emergency services or 988 if necessary.
And if your friend or loved one does open up to you, either on their own or in response to your question, the reality is your might not know how to respond. That is okay. Many of the people I love do not fully understand my depression. Yet they don’t need to. Just being their is usually the support I need. If someone opens up to you about their mental illness, just be there. Know that it is okay to say something like, “I can’t imagine what that is like, but I am here and we can get through this together.”
Try to avoid comments like “I’m sorry.” Often that comes across as pity, not empathy. And absolutely do not respond by saying, “just get over it,” or “everyone gets sad sometimes,” or “just smile and fake it until you make it.” I have never seen these statements help, only hurt.
Again, these conversations are hard. We get it. There is no right way to do it. There are some ways that have worked for others, which we have shared here. And there are wrong ways to do it, which we’ve also shared. Lastly, know that it takes courage to be a part of this conversation, no matter which end of it you are on. And if you need support, know that we are here for that too.